True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
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