I wish my penis had an off switch
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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