Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
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I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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