Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
