i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
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