dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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