Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
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