It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
