guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Randomize
