So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Randomize
