i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
