Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Randomize
