This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
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He told me they were just razor bumps!
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
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Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
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