i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
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