The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
