Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
