You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
