I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
