you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
