The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
