My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
