Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Randomize
