**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
It happened again.
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'