Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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