She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life