I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
