I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
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The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
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Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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