I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
