anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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