i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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