I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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