I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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