dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
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As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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