the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Randomize
