i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
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