rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
