I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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