Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Randomize
