So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Randomize
