Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
