she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
