Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Randomize