It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Randomize
