There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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