Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Never joke about your clitoris.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
