hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Randomize
