I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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