i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
