CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
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I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
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YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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