Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Drake has all the answers
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
