Where are you?
In a non slutty way
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
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