I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
