I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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