I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
