Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
