You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Randomize
