a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
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