meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Randomize
