When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
