id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
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