There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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