Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
