I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Randomize
