the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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