I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
I just blew my weed a kiss
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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