she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
