The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
Why is your signature on my underwear?
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
