after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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