I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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